[pasted from a discord chat]
Today at 6:15 AM
dk if I'm trans or I just resent my own masculinity because when I am depressed I sorta resent everything. when I'm happy I generally don't think of my gender except for feeling slightly like I'm caught naked whenever someone will address me as a man, or when I have those little bouts of like mowing the lawn and thinking 'yes. manly'
pretty split on this whole issue. like. even if I consider being nonbinary my thoughts split up into "yes that makes sense you wouldnt necessarily feel comfortable being a woman" and "maybe you just want to be nonbinary so you can quit worrying about whether or not youre trans" which. is like. weird. the more I think about it the more the answer just seems to be 'do not think about it,' and even then my thoughts split into "yes express yourself intuitively" and "not thinking about it means that you are going to straight up ignore the whole concept of gender and present to others as a man because thats what they expect"
it might also licherally just be that since this covid thing I have spent more and more time alone and become generally alienated from what other people think about things like gender.
like. going off the performative model of gender, my ability to perform 'man' has sort of withered up because its not all that often that I have to perform masculinity.
idk if that last message is a complete misunderstanding of performative gender.
but writing this out has been helpful because that last bit seems plausible to my little sleep deprived head. (or it is appealing because it would for the moment let me put off making a decision about this, and hints that at some point I'll just slither back into manhood comfortably and not have to come out as trans, which seems daunting/uncomfortable. darn this whole thing.)
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