My family is poor, but land rich. sort of. the extended family is land rich, so they gatekeep our access to housing basically. Maybe we have some sort of squatter's rights. Anyhow this is all a luxury afforded to us because of our white skin probably—the land is what keeps us afloat. I don't think we could pay for rent.
Because of my parents' SES and my current partner's parents' SES, we are likely to be poor, more poor than at least my parents for the rest of our lives. My career aspirations do not do much to alleviate us of this. I plan to study English literature. I hope to be a professor or a writer of some kind. I see my professors and think 'I want to live like them'
There's a couple things wrapped up here. Studying books is not productive. Studying books is interesting. Studying books feels significant. Studying books is what you can do if you are privileged person who either has a lot of time or a lot of money. I do not have money and so will likely not have time. My education looks like a very fun train putting me through a brick wall.
The other thing is: Is it ethical to benefit from a system that would conceivably grant me a living for looking at papers and writing papers and thinking about papers and telling kids to do all of this while there is a man outside my door sweeping the hall outside of my office, and another unclogging the toilet outside my office, and another replacing the carpet where there was rain damage? And all of these men are automatically presumed to be worse than me somehow? I will be able to point to these men and tell my children 'this is why you go to college,' like my uncle said to me? That sounds horrible. It is horrible.
I am set up to be one of these men, but I have the option to scale the ivory tower and become, if not a leech, a pet of the leeches. A Capitalist lapdog. something cute that they pay to sit around and wax philosophic about the implications of Wordsworth calling his own mind by female pronouns. god.
I guess that I will become the lapdog and I guess I will try to find meaning in the community. I will try to be like my professor who writes silly poems about going into his backyard naked and dancing instead of grading papers. I do not know what there is beyond this. Like a proper queer person I am at most pleased w/ the idea of having children and at worst scared by the prospect. Because I am poor, and will likely be. I am afraid I have no grand truths to pass down about life. there's no grand purpose.
I have some kinda feeling that 'work' is fetishized nowadays because the only clear thing to do with your life is to fixate on a point in the distance and run at it. I am trying to fixate on excellence in the field of English Lit and running at it. Or Journalism. Or Teaching. Or Poems. I think that last bit is the closest thing to my reality. of course the work that I do in writing my poems do me any good in pursuing money. to buy shit that someone else made. aa. put me on the ground ion some book factory Id be happy at least knowing that I was making something material.
I think the pursuit of knowledge doesn't seem useless. At least right now. As an artist I often think that I don't have a real job. I define job as "something useful". If I was to do live shows then I would consider myself an entertainer which is useful rather than making stuff that doesn't have a lot of eyes/ears on. I think as a prof you can tell people to not look at your position as more/less than the builders and custodians. I think that would be helpful. I think it's good you can support your family. I think literature teaches us about ourselves and the experience of others because reading is a wonderful access to different ways of thinking. It's the most economical way of recording something. One could read and not have empathy but I think the desire to write and have empathy for your fellow human comes from a similar place. Literature can help us understand ourselves and our condition... I know a STEM-type who was moved when a professor read a Bukowski poem and it means a lot to them years later. I feel like defending this because I have a mostly not-negative/positive mindset. I think a lot of jobs that exist when we think about them enough we walk into a corner of self-defeat. I met someone who managed a hospital and he considered it a "losing" situation since people die in them. I think that's a bit one sided. We need our facilities cleaned and we need our minds to be cultivated so as to be healthy. Literally healthy. Without learning new things our minds become weak. You are like a P.E teacher for the mind.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this <3
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