jen-dah

my voice is so dang unambiguously masculine and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I can almost pull off a butch lesbian look in some sort of almost convincing manner but my voice is so manly. and the worst thing is I got it from my mom! I wish I had the nuts to just transition publicly.

Concern for my own writing

I think it is very important for me to be able to find a way of writing that fosters some radically equal  consideration of humanity. Not in some cheesy way that anyone could write off. Like I can't just say that the bum is as holy as Bezos, though if I could get someone to believe that, that would be wonderful.  But I want to write things that lead one to think that statement is some unquestionable truth, humming underneath the story or the poem. Most likely the poem. But I want 'the bum is as holy as Bezos' so be somehow a piori to everything that I write.

I made this website

 https://flashingtonpost.neocities.org

thinking in circles about gender

 [pasted from a discord chat]

Today at 6:15 AM

dk if I'm trans or I just resent my own masculinity because when I am depressed I sorta resent everything. when I'm happy I generally don't think of my gender except for feeling slightly like I'm caught naked whenever someone will address me as a man, or when I have those little bouts of like mowing the lawn and thinking 'yes. manly'

pretty split on this whole issue. like. even if I consider being nonbinary my thoughts split up into "yes that makes sense you wouldnt necessarily feel comfortable being a woman" and "maybe you just want to be nonbinary so you can quit worrying about whether or not youre trans" which. is like. weird. the more I think about it the more the answer just seems to be 'do not think about it,' and even then my thoughts split into "yes express yourself intuitively" and "not thinking about it means that you are going to straight up ignore the whole concept of gender and present to others as a man because thats what they expect"

it might also licherally just be that since this covid thing I have spent more and more time alone and become generally alienated from what other people think about things like gender.

like. going off the performative model of gender, my ability to perform 'man' has sort of withered up because its not all that often that I have to perform masculinity.

idk if that last message is a complete misunderstanding of performative gender.

but writing this out has been helpful because that last bit seems plausible to my little sleep deprived head. (or it is appealing because it would for the moment let me put off making a decision about this, and hints that at some point I'll just slither back into manhood comfortably and not have to come out as trans, which seems daunting/uncomfortable. darn this whole thing.)

I am going to start to write about Paintings and visual art.

   I am going to take a class on film over the summer. I think as it stands I am comically bad at writing about film. Something about way the visual elements and narrative elements combine hurts my head when I think about writing about it. So. I am going to write about paintings on here. I like paintings/photos a lot, and I think I like them because I like poetry. I think about poetry w/ a critical lens fairly frequently, and I think about painting w/ a critical lens almost never. So. I want to do that here. 

Poetry and painting are connected because they both find beauty in a moment. They encourage thinking about one moment. I like that because once you string 10,000 moments together in a film I get a little nauseous. Actually, considering that, I don't think this project will help me all that much. oh well. it will be fun.

Today I sit and think about being poor. a ramble

 My family is poor, but land rich. sort of. the extended family is land rich, so they gatekeep our access to housing basically. Maybe we have some sort of squatter's rights.  Anyhow this is all a luxury afforded to us because of our white skin probably—the land is what keeps us afloat. I don't think we could pay for rent.

Because of my parents' SES and my current partner's parents' SES, we are likely to be poor, more poor than at least my parents for the rest of our lives. My career aspirations do not do much to alleviate us of this. I plan to study English literature. I hope to be a professor or a writer of some kind. I see my professors and think 'I want to live like them'

There's a couple things wrapped up here. Studying books is not productive. Studying books is interesting. Studying books feels significant. Studying books is what you can do if you are privileged person who either has a lot of time or a lot of money. I do not have money and so will likely not have time. My education looks like a very fun train putting me through a brick wall.

The other thing is: Is it ethical to benefit from a system that would conceivably grant me a living for looking at papers and writing papers and thinking about papers and telling kids to do all of this while there is a man outside my door sweeping the hall outside of my office, and another unclogging the toilet outside my office, and another replacing the carpet where there was rain damage? And all of these men are automatically presumed to be worse than me somehow? I will be able to point to these men and tell my children 'this is why you go to college,' like my uncle said to me? That sounds horrible. It is horrible.

I am set up to be one of these men, but I have the option to scale the ivory tower and become, if not a leech, a pet of the leeches. A Capitalist lapdog. something cute that they pay to sit around and wax philosophic about the implications of Wordsworth calling his own mind by female pronouns. god.

I guess that I will become the lapdog and I guess I will try to find meaning in the community. I will try to be like my professor who writes silly poems about going into his backyard naked and dancing instead of grading papers. I do not know what there is beyond this. Like a proper queer person I am at most pleased w/ the idea of having children and at worst scared by the prospect. Because I am poor, and will likely be. I am afraid I have no grand truths to pass down about life. there's no grand purpose. 

I have some kinda feeling that 'work' is fetishized nowadays because the only clear thing to do with your life is to fixate on a point in the distance and run at it. I am trying to fixate on excellence in the field of English Lit and running at it. Or Journalism. Or Teaching. Or Poems. I think that last bit is the closest thing to my reality. of course the work that I do in writing my poems do me any good in pursuing money. to buy shit that someone else made. aa. put me on the ground ion some book factory Id be happy at least knowing that I was making something material.

I am testing something; you are hearing something

kimsumass · Car Breakdown

my friend made this and I need to figure out how to embedd soundloud into here